Return-Path: Delivered-To: apmail-jakarta-alexandria-dev-archive@apache.org Received: (qmail 49603 invoked from network); 7 Dec 2002 16:11:52 -0000 Received: from unknown (HELO nagoya.betaversion.org) (192.18.49.131) by daedalus.apache.org with SMTP; 7 Dec 2002 16:11:52 -0000 Received: (qmail 8735 invoked by uid 97); 7 Dec 2002 16:12:56 -0000 Delivered-To: qmlist-jakarta-archive-alexandria-dev@jakarta.apache.org Received: (qmail 8519 invoked by uid 97); 7 Dec 2002 16:12:55 -0000 Mailing-List: contact alexandria-dev-help@jakarta.apache.org; run by ezmlm Precedence: bulk List-Unsubscribe: List-Subscribe: List-Help: List-Post: List-Id: "Alexandria Developers List" Reply-To: "Alexandria Developers List" Delivered-To: mailing list alexandria-dev@jakarta.apache.org Received: (qmail 19902 invoked by uid 98); 6 Dec 2002 17:08:55 -0000 X-Antivirus: nagoya (v4218 created Aug 14 2002) Message-Id: <5.2.0.9.0.20021206093613.02ad0620@localhost> X-Sender: (Unverified) X-Mailer: QUALCOMM Windows Eudora Version 5.2.0.9 Date: Fri, 06 Dec 2002 10:34:09 -0600 To: purehumour@paulsfunhouse.com From: Purehumour Family Autobot Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1"; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-MIME-Autoconverted: from 8bit to quoted-printable by smtp1.mts.net id gB6GZ0j18470 Subject: [Purehumour] Friday Funnies Sender: Purehumour-admin@paulsfunhouse.com Errors-To: Purehumour-admin@paulsfunhouse.com X-BeenThere: Purehumour@paulsfunhouse.com X-Mailman-Version: 2.0.13 List-Subscribe: , List-Id: An ADULT humour ezine! X-AntiAbuse: This header was added to track abuse, please include it with any abuse report X-AntiAbuse: Primary Hostname - weasel.thehideout.net X-AntiAbuse: Original Domain - jakarta.apache.org X-AntiAbuse: Originator/Caller UID/GID - [0 0] / [0 0] X-AntiAbuse: Sender Address Domain - paulsfunhouse.com X-Spam-Rating: daedalus.apache.org 1.6.2 0/1000/N X-Spam-Rating: daedalus.apache.org 1.6.2 0/1000/N =A9=BF=A9<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->=A9=BF=A9 and =A9=BF=A9<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->=A9=BF=A9 presents <---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop receiving these mailings then please visit: Click<= /a> Only 19 more days until Christmas....and only 11 more shopping days at the Paul's Fun House Giftshop if you want your order to arrive before Christmas! Check out the new arrivals that have just come in...new items are added every day. 25% off sale continues until Dec 24th, and you stil= l get a free gift with every order over $50.00. Free shipping on orders ov= er $100.00. What are you waiting for? Click http://giftshop.paulsfunhouse.com Did someone say El Nino this year? Maybe that person needs a swift kick up the ass to wake them up! October 2002 was the coldest October in over 130 years up here...November was not much better....I thought El Nin= o was supposed to mean warmer weather. Oh well ... the longjohns are on and they ain't coming off until June or July! ;) Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Di Ann, Laura, Keli, Pat, Barb, Wayne. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: Jokes =A9=BF=A9-------------------------QUICKIE--------------------------------= --=A9=BF=A9 Lets start with a quickie: What's the difference between a bartender and a proctologist? A proctologist waits on one a-hole at a time. =A9=BF=A9--------------------------TOON TIME-----------------------------= -=A9=BF=A9 Escape hatch... Click He= re http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1112 Playing too much... Click He= re http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1111 =A9=BF=A9------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------= =A9=BF=A9 Today's issue is brought to you by: The MOST UNIQUE CONTEST IN THE WORLD! Open to residents of the USA and Canada... ******* WIN FREE TOILET PAPER ******* YES you can WIN Free Toilet Paper...get a 24 roll pack of toilet paper right to your door when you WIN the most unique contest in the world! FREE and SIMPLE to enter...check out the link below: Click http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html =A9=BF=A9--------------------------HUMOUR--------------------------------= -=A9=BF=A9 [A Classic!] Tony had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's John... Your neighbor from forty miles away.... Having a Christmas party Friday. Thought you might like to come. About 5..." "Great," says Tony, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As John is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin.'" "Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em." Again, as he starts to leave, John stops. "More'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Tony says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again". Once again John turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties too." "Now that's really not a problem," says Tony. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?" John stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us." =A9=BF=A9--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------=A9=BF= =A9 LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : Vote for Me= ! =A9=BF=A9------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------= =A9=BF=A9 Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! Click http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php =A9=BF=A9----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------=A9= =BF=A9 If today is your birthday...you share it with: 1950 Daniel Sahuleka Moluks/Dutch singer/guitarist (Viva la Libertad) 1952 Terence Knox Richland WA, actor (Peter-St Elsewhere) 1952 Ric Charlesworth cricketer (Western Australia opener, Australian=20 hockey captain)/MP (Labour) 1953 Gina Hecht Winter Park FL, actress (Melanie-Hizzoner, Mork & Mindy) 1953 Kin Shriner Indiana, actor/twin brother of Wil Shriner (Scott-Genera= l=20 Hospital, Rituals) 1953 Thomas Hulce Plymouth MI, actor (Amadeus, Equus, Echo Park) 1953 Wil Shriner New York NY, talk show host/twin brother of Kin Shriner=20 (Wil Shriner Show) 1954 Miles Chapin New York NY, actor (French Postcards, Get Crazy, Funhou= se) 1954 Chris Stamey rocker 1955 Steven Wright droll comedian (Steven Wright Live) 1955 Bill Lloyd Bowling Green Ky, singer (Foster & Lloyd-Crazy Over You) 1955 Malcolm Jarvis cricket lefty paceman (Zimbabwe's 1st Test side) 1955 Rick Buckler [Paul Richard Buckler] rock drummer (Jam) 1955 Tish Hinojosa San Antonia TX, country singer (Something in the Rain) 1956 Peter Buck US pop guitarist (REM-Murmur) 1956 Randy Rhoads Santa Monica CA, rocker (Ozzy Osbourne-Flying High Agai= n) 1957 Luis Mariano Delis Fournier Cuba, discus thrower (Olympics-bronze-19= 80) 1960 Jasmina Perazic Gipe WNBA guard/forward (New York Liberty) 1962 Ben Watt rocker (Everything but the Girls-Sir Idlewood) 1963 Janine Turner Lincoln NE, actress (Maggie-Northern Exposure) 1964 Will Johnson CFL defensive end (Saskatchewan Roughriders) 1966 Lindsay Price actress (All My Children) 1967 Spanky Marcus Hollywood CA, actor (Jimmy Joe-Mary Hartman) 1967 Kevin Appier Lancaster CA, pitcher (Kansas City Royals) 1969 Elmore Spencer NBA center (Portland Trail Blazers) 1969 Greg Knox CFL safety (Calgary Stampeders) 1969 Todd Black Kenton OH, 800 meter runner 1970 Eric Mahlum NFL guard (Indianapolis Colts) 1971 Ryan Wayne White born with hemophilia, later to contract AIDS from=20 blood-clotting products. 1971 Ainsley Robinson Oshawa Ontario, 62 kg Greco Roman wrestler (Olympic= s-96) 1971 David Defiagbon Sapele Nigeria, Canadian boxer (Olympics-silver-96) 1971 Matt Maloney NBA guard (Houston Rockets) 1971 Richard Krajicek Netherlands, tennis star (Wimbledon-1996) 1971 Rika Hiraki Beirut Lebanon, tennis star (1992 Japan doubles) 1971 Thomas Bailey NFL wide receiver (Cincinnati Bengals) 1972 Brendan Garard Australian field hockey halfback (Olympics-96) 1972 Gary Bandy NFL defensive end (Atlanta Falcons) 1972 James Logan NFL linebacker (Seattle Seahawks) 1972 Mike Gruttadauri corner (St Louis Rams) 1973 Tim Kohn guard/tackle (Oakland Raiders) 1974 Arjan Ebbinge soccer player (FC Groningen) 1975 Natalie Titcume Australian softball catcher (Olympics-bronze-96) 1976 Alicia Machado Venezuela, Miss Universe (1996) 1976 Lindsay Price Arcadia CA, actress (Bold & Beautiful, All My Children= ) .....and on this day in history: 1950 Pope Pius XII publishes encyclical Mirabile illud 1952 Czechoslovakian government tells Israeli ambassador, he's persona no= n=20 grata 1953 Brown's Lou "Toe" Groza kicks 8 PATs, beating Giants 62-14 1954 Simone de Beauvoir receives Prix Goncourt 1955 New York psychologist Joyce Brothers won "$64,000 Question" on boxin= g 1956 Nelson Mandela & 156 others arrested for political activities in Sou= th=20 Africa 1957 1st US attempt to launch a satellite fails-Vanguard rocket blows up 1958 US lunar probe Pioneer 3 reaches 107,269 km, falls back 1960 American League grants Gene Autry a franchise, Los Angeles Angels 1961 27th Heisman Trophy Award: Ernie Davis, Syracuse (HB) 1962 US abandons Skybolt ballistic missile program 1963 Beatles begin a tradition of releasing a Christmas record for fans 1964 President Segni of Italy resigns 1965 2 trucks crashed into a crowd of dancers (Sotouboua Togo) kills 125 1966 Polio vaccination becomes obligatory in Belgium 1967 USSR performs nuclear test at Sary Shagan USSR 1968 Baseball dismisses Commissioner William Eckert after 3 years 1969 300,000 attend the Altamont CA, rock concert feature Rolling Stones 1969 USSR performs nuclear test 1970 Cleveland Cavaliers 1st NBA home victory, beating Buffalo Braves 108= -106 1971 Lewis Franklin Powell confirmed as Supreme Court justice 1973 Gerald Ford sworn-in as 1st unelected Vice-President, succeeds Spiro= T=20 Agnew 1974 George Harrison releases "Ding Dong, Ding Dong" 1975 Senator Robert Dole & Elizabeth Hanford marry 1976 War criminal Pieter Menten arrested in Zurich 1977 South Africa grants Bophuthatswana independence 1978 Spain adopts constitution 1980 Jim Bakker rapes Jessica Hahn 1982 Bomb attack on Londonderry, North Ireland disco, 17 killed 1983 A bomb planted on a bus in Jerusalem explodes, kills 6 Israelis 1984 Hijackers aboard Kuwaiti jetliner kill 2nd hostage 1985 UK joins US Star Wars project 1986 52nd Heisman Trophy Award: Vinny Testaverde, Miami FL (QB) 1987 Christa Rothenburger skates female world record 500 meter (39.39 sec= onds) 1988 Arafat meets prominent American Jews in Stockholm, Sweden 1989 Worst Canadian mass murder: Marc Lepine kills 14 women at University= =20 of Montr=E9al 1990 NHL grants conditional membership to Tampa Bay Lightning 1991 "Star Trek VI-The Undiscovered Country" premieres 1992 300,000 Hindus destroy Ayodha Mosque of Babri India, 4 die; riots fo= llow 1993 Gunda Niemann skates ladies world record 5 km 7 13.29 1994 Warner Brothers announces a 5th TV network to begin on Jan 11, 1995 1995 Michael Jackson collapses will rehearsing for an HBO special 1996 Mashonaland defeat England in first-class tour match 1998 JC Penney Golf Classic =A92002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/ =A9=BF=A9--------------------------HUMOUR--------------------------------= -=A9=BF=A9 "Would you like to hear my sexual philosophy?" the boss asked the new coder. "Why yes sir, I think that would be interesting," she responded. "It's really quite simple," he said. "Get it Up... Get in In... Get it Off... and Get it Home." "Hmmmmmmm," she mused. "Sounds like the Four-Get-It system to me!" =A9=BF=A9--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------=A9=BF= =A9 FREE GIFT just for signing up to Purehumour Ad-Free! Sign up NOW and you will get an instant free gift in addition to the BEST humour around...all without any ads at all! Guaranteed! Click http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html =A9=BF=A9-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------=A9= =BF=A9 I never met anyone who thinks southern is the worlds most intelligent-sounding accent. None of us would want to hear our brain surgeon say, 'Alright, what we gon' do is the saw the top of yer head off, root around in 'er with a stick, and see if we caint maybe find that dadburned clot.' You'd say, 'No thanks. I'll just die, okay?'" -Jeff Foxworthy =A9=BF=A9--------------------------TOON TIME-----------------------------= -=A9=BF=A9 A Round Tuit Click http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/phw16.html LMAO & Windex Click http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/phw17.html AOL Badvertisement Click http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/ph18.html A Blonde Completes the Puzzle 1 Click http://www.jillsjokeline.com/blndpuzz.html =A9=BF=A9--------------------------HUMOUR--------------------------------= -=A9=BF=A9 There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment. One day he went shopping, his first stop was at a hardware store. He went up to the shop assistant and asked,....."Could I have a fucket please?" The assistant asked, "Pardon sir?" "Can I have a fucket please?" replied the man. "Oh, you mean a bucket!" the shop assistant replied. The old man said, "Yes, that's what I said". So the man paid for his bucket and went into the antique shop. In the antique shop he went to the cashier and asked, "Can I have a cock please?" The cashier looked very puzzled and asked, "Pardon?" The man again asked, "Can I have a cock please?" The cashier replied, "Oh, you mean a clock! Yes, certainly sir." So the man paid for the clock and walked out of the shop. The next stop was to the bakers. He went to the assistant and asked, "Can I have a bum please?" The assistant said, "Sorry sir? What did you say?" So he repeated himself, "Can I have a bum please?" The assistant said, " Oh right, you mean a bun!" The old man said, "Yes that's what I said in the first place." So the man bought a bun and walked out of the shop. As he was walking down the street a little old lady came up to him and asked, "Excuse me sir, but do you know the time?" The man replied, "Yes certainly, hold my bum and fucket while I get my cock out." =A9=BF=A9------------------------TOON TIME-------------------------------= -=A9=BF=A9 What does it say?? Click He= re http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1110 Masking tape... Click He= re http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1109 =A9=BF=A9--------------------------HUMOUR--------------------------------= -=A9=BF=A9 QUESTION: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand is a .357 Magnum and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? LIBERAL ANSWER: Well that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion. I really need to feel this person's pain. Uggggggh! Arggghhh! CONSERVATIVE ANSWER: BANG! =A9=BF=A9--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------=A9=BF= =A9 Lovers Caught on Tape! People caught with their "pants down" in the strangest places...hidden cameras capture ALL the action from beginning to end...you see the CLIMAX! Ever wonder what would happen if YOUR boss had a camera trained on you...well these folks found out the HARD way! Click http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/29.html =A9=BF=A9------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------=A9= =BF=A9 If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." Click http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm =A9=BF=A9--------------------------HUMOUR--------------------------------= -=A9=BF=A9 When you are arguing with the woman you love, be sensitive, restrained... and don't say anything stupid. There are times your life just might depend on it. 15 THINGS NEVER TO SAY... 1. "Don't you have some laundry to do, or something?" 2. "No, really, I was laughing about... this joke I heard one time." 3. "Ooh, you are so cute when you get all upset." 4. "You're just upset because your caboose is starting to spread." 5. "Wait a minute, I get it... What time of the month is it?" 6. "Are you gonna cry? {Force lip to quiver mockingly} Cry for your mommy?" 7. "You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?" 8. "Sorry, I was just picturing you naked." 9. "That reminds me. Next time you go to the store, could you add 'giant cork' to the shopping list?" 10. "Whoa, time out honey, Frasier's back." 11. "Looks like someone had an extra bowl of Bitch Flakes this morning." 12. "Is there anyway we could do this via e-mail?" 13. "Hey baby-if I want a lecture about commitment, I can get one from my real wife." 14. "I could so use some oral sexual stimulation right now." 15. "Who are you kidding? We both know that thing isn't loaded." =A9=BF=A9--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------=A9=BF=A9 Women do come with instructions, ask them! =A9=BF=A9-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN---------------------------= ---=A9=BF=A9 Which state hosted the first professional football game? A. Ohio B. Pennsylvania C. New York D. New Jersey 01/12 Last Issue's Answers: What is the Texas state motto? C. Friendship =A9 Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications Website: http://quizqueen.net Subscribe: trivia-subscribe@quizqueen.net. =A9=BF=A9--------------------------TOON TIME-----------------------------= -=A9=BF=A9 A Blonde Completes the Puzzle 2 Click http://www.jillsjokeline.com/blndpuzz2.html A Blonde Completes the Puzzle 3 Click http://www.jillsjokeline.com/blpuzz4.html A Blonde Connects The Dots Click http://www.jillsjokeline.com/blndpuzz3.html Hunk With & Without His Clothes Click http://www.jillsjokeline.com/hunk.html =A9=BF=A9---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------=A9=BF= =A9 Three men came back from fishing one day, but when they got back to their truck, they saw it was surrounded by three bears. Paul said, "OK, guys, I figure the only way we're gonna get back to the truck is to make these bears really angry. Then they'll leave and we can go home. Ed, you take that one on the left, the little cub with a broken leg. I'll= =20 take the one in the middle, the little cub with one eye and a hurt paw. Joe, you t= ake the one on the right, the mama bear." Joe looked and saw a huge silvertip grizzly bear with big teeth and froth around her mouth. "Hey, man, wait a sec. I'm supposed to get this monster angry, and you guys get the cubs. That's not fair!" "Now, now, Joe," Paul replied, "We all have our bears to cross." =A9=BF=A9---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------=A9=BF=A9 In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the past! December 6th 1999...way back! Click http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m359.html =A9=BF=A9--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------=A9=BF= =A9 Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little? If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small! Click http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html =A9=BF=A9--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!-----------------------------= -=A9=BF=A9 I'm an obstetrics nurse at a large city hospital, where our patients are from may different countries and cultures. One day while waiting for a new mother to be transferred to our division, I checked the chart and assume that, because of her last name, she was of European descent. So when she was finally wheeled in, I was surprised to see that she was Asian. As I was performing the exam, we chatted and she told me she was Chinese and her husband's ethnic heritage was Czech. After a short pause she quipped, "I guess that makes my children Chinese Czechers!" =A9=BF=A9------------------------TIMEKILLER------------------------------= -=A9=BF=A9 Adult Memory Game Click http://www.jillsjokeline.com/admem.html Adult JigSaw Puzzle Click http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jigsaw.html Air Bride Click http://ezinesetc.com/jj3.htm Big Titty Girl Click http://ezinesetc.com/jj4.htm =A9=BF=A9--------------------------HUMOUR--------------------------------= -=A9=BF=A9 [ring ring] Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a detailed message with your country, name of organization, the region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, Communist China, marching up and down the streets of Washington, DC, and compulsory "Consideration Of Others" training, we will return your call. Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following numb= ers: If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps. If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs, please press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note this service is not available after 1630 hours, on weekends, or in bad weather. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development fu= nding. If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of gr= ay=20 flannel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please press 3 a= nd=20 speak slowly to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile= =20 service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come,=20 first-served basis. If your inquiry is not urgent, please press 4 for the Rapid Deployment=20 Force and wait two weeks for delivery. If you are in real hot trouble, please press 5, and your call will be=20 routed to the United States Army Special Operations Command for an=20 additional fee of $10. Please note that a compulsory credit check will be= =20 required to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also be aware=20 that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell= =20 you why, as it will be classified. If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid= =20 little, have premature arthritis or peripheral neuropathy, put your wife=20 and family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, are prepared to wo= rk=20 your butt off daily, risking your life, in all weather and terrain, both=20 day and night, and while watching Congress erode your original benefits=20 package, then please stay on the line, Your call will shortly be connecte= d=20 to a bitter passed-over Army Recruiter in an old strip mall down by the=20 Post Office. Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United= =20 States Army. =A9=BF=A9--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------=A9=BF= =A9 YOU WIN! A FREE CD of your choice...many titles to choose from...all for being a part of Purehumour! Get YOUR FREE CD today: FREE! http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/free =A9=BF=A9--------------------------HUMOUR--------------------------------= -=A9=BF=A9 During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months. As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt he asked me what my husband did. When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought." =A9=BF=A9--------------------------TOON TIME-----------------------------= -=A9=BF=A9 Whats Better About Him Click http://www.jillsjokeline.com/better.html Too Big For Me Click http://www.jillsjokeline.com/big.html My Ex Ate Like A Horse Click http://www.jillsjokeline.com/horse.html So Affectionate Click http://www.jillsjokeline.com/affection.html =A9=BF=A9-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------=A9= =BF=A9 Police in Canada say a bizarre urban legend has led them to a house filled with marijuana plants. A woman accidentally called them after her son told her dialing an extra one after the 911 emergency number would tell her if police were tapping her phones. The 60-year-old woman hung up as soon as she realised she'd called police. But they thought something was wrong at the address in Surrey, British Columbia, so they rushed to the scene. A spokesman said once inside, they discovered "a reasonably sized marijuana growing operation." The woman, and three men aged between 55 and 61 were arrested but later bailed after promising to appear in court, reports Canadian Press agency. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: News IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: WNW =A9=BF=A9--------------------------HUMOUR--------------------------------= -=A9=BF=A9 [Seen while surfing:] My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often he turns to me for advice. Recently, I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for lunch?" "That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of food. Why don't you pretend I'm not at home?" A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband asking, "Yeah, hi, Honey. Uh...what should I feed Lily for lunch?" =A9=BF=A9-------------------------QUICK WIT------------------------------= -=A9=BF=A9 [||||] S N O W W H I T E W A S H [||||] Former Senate polhack George Mitchell has been appointed presiding director of Disney's board of directors to help thwart an SEC probe into financial hanky panky at Mouse Central. (LAD/12/2) He's also been tapped to play an eighth dwarf to be called "Scummy." Copyright =A9 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup =A9=BF=A9--------------------------HUMOUR--------------------------------= -=A9=BF=A9 [Things kids say:] While I was shopping in the mall with my three children, a display in the window of a lingerie store caught my eye. "Do you think Daddy would like this?" I asked the kids, as I pointed to t= he lacy pyjamas with matching robe. "No way," my horrified six-year-old son replied. "Daddy would never wear that!" =A9=BF=A9--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------=A9=BF= =A9 Bingo on your computer...big prizes to be won! Click =A9=BF=A9--------------------------TOON TIME-----------------------------= -=A9=BF=A9 How things change... Click He= re http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1108 Hit a stone... Click He= re http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1107 =A9=BF=A9---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------=A9=BF=A9 Apparently it's true with bank robbery just like every- thing else: If you want something done right, do it yourself. Police say Richard Quiller, 22, failed to heed that time-tested advice when he ordered his neighbor at gunpoint to go into a Bank of America branch in Belvedere, S.C., and withdraw some cash for him. The incident began Friday morning, Nov. 22, when Quiller knocked on Barbara Mitchell's door, pulled out a pistol and demanded money, police allege. Mitchel told her neighbor she did not have any cash, and Quiller allegedly told her to drive him to the Bank of America. Mitchell duly drove Quiller to the bank, but when she went inside she simply told the teller to call 911. Police responded and arrested Quiller while he waited in the parking lot. Quiller faces charges including kidnapping, armed robbery and burglary, and investigators are looking for another man possibly involved in the case. =A9=BF=A9---------------------------QUICKIE------------------------------= ----=A9=BF=A9 What is the similarity between a rattlesnake and a limp penis? You don't fuck with either one. =A9=BF=A9--------------------------EDITORIAL-----------------------------= ---=A9=BF=A9 Magic's New Itinerary By Ian Wolff =A9 2002 Dear traveler(s), In an effort to make your family's upcoming Disney cruise a safer and mor= e=20 rewarding experience, we ask that you please read and pay close attention= =20 to the slight itinerary changes listed bellow. UPON BOARDING MAGIC: Due to recent circumstances beyond our control, we a= sk=20 that you not (upon boarding) allow your children to be hugged by our=20 resident Mickey (Pedro Valez, part time Peruvian sewage worker/part time=20 hand washer) Mouse impersonator. We fully understand the difficulties inherent in attempting to=20 dissuade your children from initiating contact with what might very well = be=20 their favorite Disney character of all. But please bear in mind, that=20 beneath Pedro's cute and fuzzy exterior, there now resides a denser=20 population of oozing wounds than could have been found in London's=20 sixteenth century Free Leeching Ward. If, and God forbid, a hug does indeed take place, please inform the=20 nearest Center For Disease Control official (of which there is now an=20 entire regiment aboard) and, rest assured, that in so doing - he or she=20 will immediately (so as to prevent any cross contamination to you -- the=20 parent or parents) escort your little one down to the boiler room for=20 immediate disposal. (NOTE: For overly attached parents who might find the thought of=20 having their children incinerated in our boilers a bit distasteful, fear=20 not! For we (at very reasonable rates) are now offering a burial at sea=20 package, which will be hosted by Goofy himself, and will offer (and why n= ot=20 pick your child's favorite?) a wide variety of Disney motif designed body= bags. This package comes complete with an entire send off song by our new=20 Magic cruise ship orchestra, E.boli & The Open Sores! It's a catchy (no pun intended) little tune that starts: "Mic-key -=20 why? Because you just ate hamburger with an inner core temperature of 38=20 degrees!" 5PM: It's Make A Wish Time on our promenade deck! During which actua= l=20 members of the Make A Wish Foundation will select the most terminally ill= =20 child aboard, and allow he/she to make a wish that will forever be=20 enshrined upon our Wall Of Little Lost Pirates! Below are just a few of our most notable recent wishes! Six-year old Tyler Murphy, from Oakmont, TENN: "I wish mommy and dad= dy=20 had known that our Disney waiter was a recent mandatory quarantine escape= e." Eight-year old Tabatha Christie, from Dayton, OH: "I wish the Disney= =20 people would have told me that my dancing corndog wasn't just a harmless=20 special effect." Seven-year old Bobby Jefferson, from Santa Clara, CA: "I wish that=20 this filthy tub and its fecal matter spreading crew would sink into the=20 bowels of Hell." (SPECIAL NOTE: In an effort to enhance your child's chances at being= =20 named Most Terminal, we highly suggest that you take him/her to our Taste= =20 Of Jolly Old England Caf=E9 and order him/her a hearty helping of our=20 Spaghetti & Mad Cow Meatballs. 6PM: It's dinnertime! Your first meal aboard Magic will be hosted by= =20 the captain himself, and will be followed, in the ship's chapel -- by a=20 eulogy to all of those who were stupid enough to have ordered any one of=20 the following dishes: Macaroni & Highly Suspect Cheese, Purplish Looking Bile Sack Of Long= =20 Dead Oysters Over Green Rice, Finger Food Surprise (the actual surprise=20 being the number of unkempt fingers that were involved in concocting it),= =20 Sudsy Time Meatloaf (thusly named for its penchant to cause a foaming fro= m=20 the mouth), and last, but not least - The Jello That Doesn't Stop Wigglin= g=20 Until You Do. (NOTE: For obvious reasons (namely - that our ship not once again=20 spend the entire cruise repeatedly radioing for emergency runway clearanc= e=20 at Cape Canaveral), we ask that you please refrain from offering our new=20 captain any of your filthy and highly hallucinogenic foodstuffs. PS: We kindly ask that you do the same for any and all of our new=20 crewmembers, so as to avoid a repeat of the debacle that befell our last=20 crew - who, after being enticed into a Jello eating contest by a passenge= r=20 -- all jumped overboard while shouting, "Look, it's Atlantis!" 7PM: Please Be Quiet Time! This is a newly devised event that should= =20 be fun for one and all. It only lasts for twenty to forty five minutes,=20 tops. During this time, we ask that all passengers refrain from moving an= d=20 or talking (even in whispers). It's really fun, and the quietest passenge= rs=20 will win free tickets to our Anaheim Disneyland! (NOTE: Look -- just don't move or speak, got it? Because this is the= =20 time when we'll be passing through non-US waters, and some countries get = a=20 tad huffy about having foreign contagions wantonly visited upon their=20 unsuspecting citizenry. In short; we desperately suggest (unless you wish to be boarded, and= =20 subsequently cavity searched by members of The Mexican Coast Guard)=20 shutting your face until such time as we've once again reached the safety= =20 of US waters. 9PM: It's time for The Daffy Duck hosted Poolside Upchuck Jamboree!=20 Are those little blue clams that you ordered between courses tickling you= r=20 esophagus for escape? Are the leftover canned goods (from Napoleon's=20 rearguard) that we recently excavated from in and around the frigid stepp= es=20 of Moscow, begging for the light of day? Whatever your food induced emergency, please fell free to come and=20 enjoy a good-natured all out purge in our now completely drained (of wate= r)=20 pool! Last one in is (or has recently eaten) a rotten egg! 10PM: Ignore That Viking Cruise Ship Time! This is a fun little even= t=20 that we recently invented in an effort to keep our passengers from (once=20 again) leaping head over heels overboard after catching sight of the Viki= ng=20 cruise ship (during our 10PM cross-channel passing) Erik The Red, while a= ll=20 the while screaming, "For the love of God, please save us!" (NOTE: Please be advised that we now have several very well trained=20 snipers in The Crow's Nest -- who -- during said passing (should you so=20 much as lay a trembling hand upon our ship's railings), have been given=20 standing orders to shoot you quicker than a non-agent represented camp=20 scene extra in scene four of Shindler's List. 11PM: Sleepy (for those still breathing after our 10:30 Snack Time!)= =20 Time! This is when we begin preparing your first breakfast aboard (along=20 with a disposable penicillin thigh-injected-chaser) Magic. You'll awaken (if you're lucky enough) to the smell of fresh brewed=20 (Jamaican overhead stock, 1812) coffee; complimentary (from a recent=20 excavation around Liverpool's Shakespeare Pub) scones, eggs (predominantl= y=20 primordial), bacon (grafted from the cave dropping of France's ancient=20 Neanderthals), and freshly squeezed (from an ex cruise ship patron and=20 Florida retiree's decomposing bladder) orange juice! DAY TWO: You're still here? --- Ian Wolff is a freelance humorist living in Sunnyvale, CA. To read more of his work, please visit his website One Brick Short News at: http://www.ianwolff.com Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: Editorials Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. =A9=BF=A9----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT------------------= ---------=A9=BF=A9 The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! 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