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From Purehumour Family Autobot <auto...@paulsfunhouse.com>
Subject [Purehumour] Friday Funnies
Date Fri, 06 Dec 2002 16:34:09 GMT
©¿©<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->©¿©
©¿©<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->©¿©

<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->

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Only 19 more days until Christmas....and only 11 more shopping days
at the Paul's Fun House Giftshop if you want your order to arrive before
Christmas!  Check out the new arrivals that have just come in...new items
are added every day.  25% off sale continues until Dec 24th, and you still
get a free gift with every order over $50.00.  Free shipping on orders over
$100.00.  What are you waiting for?
<a href=" http://giftshop.paulsfunhouse.com ">Click</a>

Did someone say El Nino this year?  Maybe that person needs a swift
kick up the ass to wake them up!  October 2002 was the coldest October in
over 130 years up here...November was not much better....I thought El Nino
was supposed to mean warmer weather.  Oh well ... the longjohns are on
and they ain't coming off until June or July!  ;)

Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Di Ann, Laura, Keli,
Pat, Barb, Wayne.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>

Lets start with a quickie:

What's the difference between a bartender and a proctologist?

A proctologist waits on one a-hole at a time.

©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

Escape hatch...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1112 ">Click Here </a>

Playing too much...
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Today's issue is brought to you by:

residents of the USA and Canada...

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[A Classic!]

Tony had been in business for 25 years and is
finally sick of the stress. He quits his job
and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity
as possible. He sees the postman once a week and
gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total
peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation,
someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there
is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's John...
Your neighbor from forty miles away.... Having a
Christmas party Friday. Thought you might like to
come. About 5..."

"Great," says Tony, "after six months out here I'm
ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As John is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you there's
gonna be some drinkin.'"

"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can
drink with the best of em."

Again, as he starts to leave, John stops. "More'n'
likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Tony says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be
there. Thanks again".

Once again John turns from the door. "I've seen some
wild sex at these parties too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Tony. "I've
been all alone for six months!  I'll definitely be
there.  By the way, what should I bring?"

  John stops in the door again and says, "Whatever
you want, just gonna be the two of us."



Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend?

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©¿©------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------©¿©

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Click</a>

©¿©----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------©¿©

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1950 Daniel Sahuleka Moluks/Dutch singer/guitarist (Viva la Libertad)
1952 Terence Knox Richland WA, actor (Peter-St Elsewhere)
1952 Ric Charlesworth cricketer (Western Australia opener, Australian 
hockey captain)/MP (Labour)
1953 Gina Hecht Winter Park FL, actress (Melanie-Hizzoner, Mork & Mindy)
1953 Kin Shriner Indiana, actor/twin brother of Wil Shriner (Scott-General 
Hospital, Rituals)
1953 Thomas Hulce Plymouth MI, actor (Amadeus, Equus, Echo Park)
1953 Wil Shriner New York NY, talk show host/twin brother of Kin Shriner 
(Wil Shriner Show)
1954 Miles Chapin New York NY, actor (French Postcards, Get Crazy, Funhouse)
1954 Chris Stamey rocker
1955 Steven Wright droll comedian (Steven Wright Live)
1955 Bill Lloyd Bowling Green Ky, singer (Foster & Lloyd-Crazy Over You)
1955 Malcolm Jarvis cricket lefty paceman (Zimbabwe's 1st Test side)
1955 Rick Buckler [Paul Richard Buckler] rock drummer (Jam)
1955 Tish Hinojosa San Antonia TX, country singer (Something in the Rain)
1956 Peter Buck US pop guitarist (REM-Murmur)
1956 Randy Rhoads Santa Monica CA, rocker (Ozzy Osbourne-Flying High Again)
1957 Luis Mariano Delis Fournier Cuba, discus thrower (Olympics-bronze-1980)
1960 Jasmina Perazic Gipe WNBA guard/forward (New York Liberty)
1962 Ben Watt rocker (Everything but the Girls-Sir Idlewood)
1963 Janine Turner Lincoln NE, actress (Maggie-Northern Exposure)
1964 Will Johnson CFL defensive end (Saskatchewan Roughriders)
1966 Lindsay Price actress (All My Children)
1967 Spanky Marcus Hollywood CA, actor (Jimmy Joe-Mary Hartman)
1967 Kevin Appier Lancaster CA, pitcher (Kansas City Royals)
1969 Elmore Spencer NBA center (Portland Trail Blazers)
1969 Greg Knox CFL safety (Calgary Stampeders)
1969 Todd Black Kenton OH, 800 meter runner
1970 Eric Mahlum NFL guard (Indianapolis Colts)
1971 Ryan Wayne White born with hemophilia, later to contract AIDS from 
blood-clotting products.
1971 Ainsley Robinson Oshawa Ontario, 62 kg Greco Roman wrestler (Olympics-96)
1971 David Defiagbon Sapele Nigeria, Canadian boxer (Olympics-silver-96)
1971 Matt Maloney NBA guard (Houston Rockets)
1971 Richard Krajicek Netherlands, tennis star (Wimbledon-1996)
1971 Rika Hiraki Beirut Lebanon, tennis star (1992 Japan doubles)
1971 Thomas Bailey NFL wide receiver (Cincinnati Bengals)
1972 Brendan Garard Australian field hockey halfback (Olympics-96)
1972 Gary Bandy NFL defensive end (Atlanta Falcons)
1972 James Logan NFL linebacker (Seattle Seahawks)
1972 Mike Gruttadauri corner (St Louis Rams)
1973 Tim Kohn guard/tackle (Oakland Raiders)
1974 Arjan Ebbinge soccer player (FC Groningen)
1975 Natalie Titcume Australian softball catcher (Olympics-bronze-96)
1976 Alicia Machado Venezuela, Miss Universe (1996)
1976 Lindsay Price Arcadia CA, actress (Bold & Beautiful, All My Children)

.....and on this day in history:

1950 Pope Pius XII publishes encyclical Mirabile illud
1952 Czechoslovakian government tells Israeli ambassador, he's persona non 
1953 Brown's Lou "Toe" Groza kicks 8 PATs, beating Giants 62-14
1954 Simone de Beauvoir receives Prix Goncourt
1955 New York psychologist Joyce Brothers won "$64,000 Question" on boxing
1956 Nelson Mandela & 156 others arrested for political activities in South 
1957 1st US attempt to launch a satellite fails-Vanguard rocket blows up
1958 US lunar probe Pioneer 3 reaches 107,269 km, falls back
1960 American League grants Gene Autry a franchise, Los Angeles Angels
1961 27th Heisman Trophy Award: Ernie Davis, Syracuse (HB)
1962 US abandons Skybolt ballistic missile program
1963 Beatles begin a tradition of releasing a Christmas record for fans
1964 President Segni of Italy resigns
1965 2 trucks crashed into a crowd of dancers (Sotouboua Togo) kills 125
1966 Polio vaccination becomes obligatory in Belgium
1967 USSR performs nuclear test at Sary Shagan USSR
1968 Baseball dismisses Commissioner William Eckert after 3 years
1969 300,000 attend the Altamont CA, rock concert feature Rolling Stones
1969 USSR performs nuclear test
1970 Cleveland Cavaliers 1st NBA home victory, beating Buffalo Braves 108-106
1971 Lewis Franklin Powell confirmed as Supreme Court justice
1973 Gerald Ford sworn-in as 1st unelected Vice-President, succeeds Spiro T 
1974 George Harrison releases "Ding Dong, Ding Dong"
1975 Senator Robert Dole & Elizabeth Hanford marry
1976 War criminal Pieter Menten arrested in Zurich
1977 South Africa grants Bophuthatswana independence
1978 Spain adopts constitution
1980 Jim Bakker rapes Jessica Hahn
1982 Bomb attack on Londonderry, North Ireland disco, 17 killed
1983 A bomb planted on a bus in Jerusalem explodes, kills 6 Israelis
1984 Hijackers aboard Kuwaiti jetliner kill 2nd hostage
1985 UK joins US Star Wars project
1986 52nd Heisman Trophy Award: Vinny Testaverde, Miami FL (QB)
1987 Christa Rothenburger skates female world record 500 meter (39.39 seconds)
1988 Arafat meets prominent American Jews in Stockholm, Sweden
1989 Worst Canadian mass murder: Marc Lepine kills 14 women at University 
of Montréal
1990 NHL grants conditional membership to Tampa Bay Lightning
1991 "Star Trek VI-The Undiscovered Country" premieres
1992 300,000 Hindus destroy Ayodha Mosque of Babri India, 4 die; riots follow
1993 Gunda Niemann skates ladies world record 5 km 7 13.29
1994 Warner Brothers announces a 5th TV network to begin on Jan 11, 1995
1995 Michael Jackson collapses will rehearsing for an HBO special
1996 Mashonaland defeat England in first-class tour match
1998 JC Penney Golf Classic

©2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/

"Would you like to hear my sexual philosophy?"
the boss asked the new coder.

"Why yes sir, I think that would be interesting,"
she responded.

"It's really quite simple," he said. "Get it Up...
Get in In... Get it Off... and Get it Home."

"Hmmmmmmm," she mused. "Sounds like the
Four-Get-It system to me!"


FREE GIFT just for signing up to Purehumour Ad-Free!
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addition to the BEST humour around...all without any
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©¿©-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------©¿©

I never met anyone who thinks southern is the worlds most
intelligent-sounding accent. None of us would want to hear our
brain surgeon say, 'Alright, what we gon' do is the saw the top
of yer head off, root around in 'er with a stick, and see if we
caint maybe find that dadburned clot.' You'd say, 'No thanks.
I'll just die, okay?'"
-Jeff Foxworthy

©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

A Round Tuit
<a href=" http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/phw16.html ">Click</a>

LMAO & Windex
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AOL Badvertisement
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A Blonde Completes the Puzzle 1
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/blndpuzz.html ">Click</a>


There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech

One day he went shopping, his first stop was at a
hardware store. He went up to the shop assistant
and asked,....."Could I have a fucket please?"

The assistant asked, "Pardon sir?"

"Can I have a fucket please?" replied the man.

"Oh, you mean a bucket!" the shop assistant replied.

The old man said, "Yes, that's what I said". So the
man paid for his bucket and went into the antique shop.

In the antique shop he went to the cashier and asked,
"Can I have a cock please?"

The cashier looked very puzzled and asked, "Pardon?"

The man again asked, "Can I have a cock please?"

The cashier replied, "Oh, you mean a clock! Yes,
certainly sir."

So the man paid for the clock and walked out of
the shop.

The next stop was to the bakers. He went to the
assistant and asked,  "Can I have a bum please?"

The assistant said, "Sorry sir? What did you say?"

So he repeated himself, "Can I have a bum please?"

The assistant said, " Oh right, you mean a bun!"

The old man said, "Yes that's what I said in the
first place."

So the man bought a bun and walked out of the shop.

As he was walking down the street a little old lady
came up to him and asked, "Excuse me sir, but do you
know the time?"

The man replied, "Yes certainly, hold my bum and
fucket while I get my cock out."

©¿©------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------©¿©

What does it say??
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1110 ">Click Here </a>

Masking tape...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1109 ">Click Here </a>



You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife
comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming
obscenities. In your hand is a .357 Magnum and you are an expert
shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?


Well that's not enough information to answer the question! Does
the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him
that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my
wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun
like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law
say about this situation? Is it possible he'd be happy with just
killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be
content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on,
could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so
confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days
to try to come to a conclusion. I really need to feel this
person's pain. Uggggggh! Arggghhh!




Lovers Caught on Tape!  People caught with their "pants down"
in the strangest places...hidden cameras capture ALL the action
from beginning to end...you see the CLIMAX!  Ever wonder what
would happen if YOUR boss had a camera trained on you...well
these folks found out the HARD way!
<a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/29.html">Click</a>

©¿©------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------©¿©

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family

<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Click</a>


When you are arguing with the woman you love, be sensitive,
restrained... and don't say anything stupid. There are times your
life just might depend on it.


1. "Don't you have some laundry to do, or something?"

2. "No, really, I was laughing about... this joke I heard one

3. "Ooh, you are so cute when you get all upset."

4. "You're just upset because your caboose is starting to spread."

5. "Wait a minute, I get it... What time of the month is it?"

6. "Are you gonna cry? {Force lip to quiver mockingly} Cry for
your mommy?"

7. "You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this

8. "Sorry, I was just picturing you naked."

9. "That reminds me. Next time you go to the store, could you add
'giant cork' to the shopping list?"

10. "Whoa, time out honey, Frasier's back."

11. "Looks like someone had an extra bowl of Bitch Flakes this

12. "Is there anyway we could do this via e-mail?"

13. "Hey baby-if I want a lecture about commitment, I can get one
from my real wife."

14. "I could so use some oral sexual stimulation right now."

15. "Who are you kidding? We both know that thing isn't loaded."

©¿©--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------©¿©

Women do come with instructions, ask them!

  ©¿©-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------©¿©

Which state hosted the first professional football game?

A. Ohio
B. Pennsylvania
C. New York
D. New Jersey

<Answers in Next Issue!>


Last Issue's Answers:

What is the Texas state motto?

C. Friendship

© Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: trivia-subscribe@quizqueen.net.
©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

A Blonde Completes the Puzzle 2
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/blndpuzz2.html ">Click</a>

A Blonde Completes the Puzzle 3
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/blpuzz4.html ">Click</a>

A Blonde Connects The Dots
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/blndpuzz3.html ">Click</a>

Hunk With & Without His Clothes
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/hunk.html ">Click</a>

©¿©---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------©¿©

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it!  You co-operation
is expected.>

Three men came back from fishing one day, but when they got back to their
truck, they saw it was surrounded by three bears. Paul said, "OK,
guys, I figure the only way we're gonna get back to the truck is to make
these bears really angry. Then they'll leave and we can go home.
Ed, you take that one on the left, the little cub with a broken leg. I'll 
take the
one in the middle, the little cub with one eye and a hurt paw. Joe, you take
the one on the right, the mama bear."

Joe looked and saw a huge silvertip grizzly bear with big teeth and froth
around her mouth. "Hey, man, wait a sec. I'm supposed to get this monster
angry, and you guys get the cubs. That's not fair!"

"Now, now, Joe," Paul replied, "We all have our bears to cross."

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>
©¿©---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------©¿©

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the

December 6th 1999...way back!
<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m359.html ">Click</a>


Do you love Purehumour?  Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a>

©¿©--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------©¿©

I'm an obstetrics nurse at a large city hospital, where our patients are
from may different countries and cultures. One day while waiting for a
new mother to be transferred to our division, I checked the chart and
assume that, because of her last name, she was of European descent. So
when she was finally wheeled in, I was surprised to see that she was
Asian. As I was performing the exam, we chatted and she told me she was
Chinese and her husband's ethnic heritage was Czech. After a short pause
she quipped, "I guess that makes my children Chinese Czechers!"


Adult Memory Game
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/admem.html ">Click</a>

Adult JigSaw Puzzle
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jigsaw.html ">Click</a>

Air Bride
<a href=" http://ezinesetc.com/jj3.htm ">Click</a>

Big Titty Girl
<a href=" http://ezinesetc.com/jj4.htm ">Click</a>


[ring ring]

Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry, but all of our
units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a
detailed message with your country, name of organization, the region,
the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you. As soon as
we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, Communist China, marching
up and down the streets of Washington, DC, and compulsory "Consideration
Of Others" training, we will return your call. Please speak after the
tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers:

If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the United
States Marine Corps.

If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels,
and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs,
please press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note this service
is not available after 1630 hours, on weekends, or in bad weather.

Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or
stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding.

If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of gray 
flannel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please press 3 and 
speak slowly to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile 
service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, 
first-served basis.

If your inquiry is not urgent, please press 4 for the Rapid Deployment 
Force and wait two weeks for delivery.

If you are in real hot trouble, please press 5, and your call will be 
routed to the United States Army Special Operations Command for an 
additional fee of $10. Please note that a compulsory credit check will be 
required to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also be aware 
that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell 
you why, as it will be classified.

If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid 
little, have premature arthritis or peripheral neuropathy, put your wife 
and family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, are prepared to work 
your butt off daily, risking your life, in all weather and terrain, both 
day and night, and while watching Congress erode your original benefits 
package, then please stay on the line, Your call will shortly be connected 
to a bitter passed-over Army Recruiter in an old strip mall down by the 
Post Office.

Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United 
States Army.


YOU WIN!  A FREE CD of your choice...many titles
to choose from...all for being a part of Purehumour!
Get YOUR FREE CD today:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/free/">FREE!</a>


During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was
sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician
there was friendly and mentioned that his mood
improved every day because he was due to leave
the service in two months.

As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told
me that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much.
Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt he asked
me what my husband did.

When I replied that he was a recruiter, the
technician smiled slyly and said, "This might
hurt a little more than I thought."

©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

Whats Better About Him
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/better.html ">Click</a>

Too Big For Me
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/big.html ">Click</a>

My Ex Ate Like A Horse
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/horse.html ">Click</a>

So Affectionate
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/affection.html ">Click</a>

©¿©-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------©¿©

Police in Canada say a bizarre urban legend has led
them to a house filled with marijuana plants.

A woman accidentally called them after her son told
her dialing an extra one after the 911 emergency number
would tell her if police were tapping her phones.

The 60-year-old woman hung up as soon as she realised
she'd called police.

But they thought something was wrong at the address in
Surrey, British Columbia, so they rushed to the scene.

A spokesman said once inside, they discovered "a
reasonably sized marijuana growing operation."

The woman, and three men aged between 55 and 61 were
arrested but later bailed after promising to appear in
court, reports Canadian Press agency.

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/ ">WNW</a>

[Seen while surfing:]

My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often
he turns to me for advice.  Recently, I was in the shower
when he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily
for lunch?"

"That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of food.
Why don't you pretend I'm not at home?"

A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to
hear my husband asking, "Yeah, hi, Honey. Uh...what should
I feed Lily for lunch?"

©¿©-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------©¿©

[||||]       S N O W    W H I T E W A S H       [||||]

Former Senate polhack George Mitchell has been appointed presiding
director of Disney's board of directors to help thwart an SEC probe into
financial hanky panky at Mouse Central.    (LAD/12/2)

He's also been tapped to play an eighth dwarf to be called "Scummy."

Copyright © 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.

[Things kids say:]

While I was shopping in the mall with my three children, a display in the
window of a lingerie store caught my eye.

"Do you think Daddy would like this?" I asked the kids, as I pointed to the
lacy pyjamas with matching robe.

"No way," my horrified six-year-old son replied. "Daddy would never wear


Bingo on your computer...big prizes to be won!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ">Click</a>

©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿©

How things change...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1108 ">Click Here </a>

Hit a stone...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1107 ">Click Here </a>

©¿©---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------©¿©

Apparently it's true with bank robbery just like every-
thing else: If you want something done right, do it

Police say Richard Quiller, 22, failed to heed that
time-tested advice when he ordered his neighbor at
gunpoint to go into a Bank of America branch in
Belvedere, S.C., and withdraw some cash for him.

The incident began Friday morning, Nov. 22, when
Quiller knocked on Barbara Mitchell's door, pulled
out a pistol and demanded money, police allege.

Mitchel told her neighbor she did not have any cash,
and Quiller allegedly told her to drive him to the
Bank of America.

Mitchell duly drove Quiller to the bank, but when she
went inside she simply told the teller to call 911.
Police responded and arrested Quiller while he waited
in the parking lot.

Quiller faces charges including kidnapping, armed
robbery and burglary, and investigators are looking for
another man possibly involved in the case.


What is the similarity between a rattlesnake and a limp penis?

You don't fuck with either one.


Magic's New Itinerary
By Ian Wolff
© 2002

Dear traveler(s),

In an effort to make your family's upcoming Disney cruise a safer and more 
rewarding experience, we ask that you please read and pay close attention 
to the slight itinerary changes listed bellow.

UPON BOARDING MAGIC: Due to recent circumstances beyond our control, we ask 
that you not (upon boarding) allow your children to be hugged by our 
resident Mickey (Pedro Valez, part time Peruvian sewage worker/part time 
hand washer) Mouse impersonator.

     We fully understand the difficulties inherent in attempting to 
dissuade your children from initiating contact with what might very well be 
their favorite Disney character of all. But please bear in mind, that 
beneath Pedro's cute and fuzzy exterior, there now resides a denser 
population of oozing wounds than could have been found in London's 
sixteenth century Free Leeching Ward.

     If, and God forbid, a hug does indeed take place, please inform the 
nearest Center For Disease Control official (of which there is now an 
entire regiment aboard) and, rest assured, that in so doing - he or she 
will immediately (so as to prevent any cross contamination to you -- the 
parent or parents) escort your little one down to the boiler room for 
immediate disposal.

     (NOTE: For overly attached parents who might find the thought of 
having their children incinerated in our boilers a bit distasteful, fear 
not! For we (at very reasonable rates) are now offering a burial at sea 
package, which will be hosted by Goofy himself, and will offer (and why not 
pick your child's favorite?) a wide variety of Disney motif designed body bags.

     This package comes complete with an entire send off song by our new 
Magic cruise ship orchestra, E.boli & The Open Sores!
     It's a catchy (no pun intended) little tune that starts: "Mic-key - 
why? Because you just ate hamburger with an inner core temperature of 38 

     5PM: It's Make A Wish Time on our promenade deck! During which actual 
members of the Make A Wish Foundation will select the most terminally ill 
child aboard, and allow he/she to make a wish that will forever be 
enshrined upon our Wall Of Little Lost Pirates!

     Below are just a few of our most notable recent wishes!

     Six-year old Tyler Murphy, from Oakmont, TENN: "I wish mommy and daddy 
had known that our Disney waiter was a recent mandatory quarantine escapee."

     Eight-year old Tabatha Christie, from Dayton, OH: "I wish the Disney 
people would have told me that my dancing corndog wasn't just a harmless 
special effect."

     Seven-year old Bobby Jefferson, from Santa Clara, CA: "I wish that 
this filthy tub and its fecal matter spreading crew would sink into the 
bowels of Hell."

     (SPECIAL NOTE: In an effort to enhance your child's chances at being 
named Most Terminal, we highly suggest that you take him/her to our Taste 
Of Jolly Old England Café and order him/her a hearty helping of our 
Spaghetti & Mad Cow Meatballs.

     6PM: It's dinnertime! Your first meal aboard Magic will be hosted by 
the captain himself, and will be followed, in the ship's chapel -- by a 
eulogy to all of those who were stupid enough to have ordered any one of 
the following dishes:

     Macaroni & Highly Suspect Cheese, Purplish Looking Bile Sack Of Long 
Dead Oysters Over Green Rice, Finger Food Surprise (the actual surprise 
being the number of unkempt fingers that were involved in concocting it), 
Sudsy Time Meatloaf (thusly named for its penchant to cause a foaming from 
the mouth), and last, but not least - The Jello That Doesn't Stop Wiggling 
Until You Do.

     (NOTE: For obvious reasons (namely - that our ship not once again 
spend the entire cruise repeatedly radioing for emergency runway clearance 
at Cape Canaveral), we ask that you please refrain from offering our new 
captain any of your filthy and highly hallucinogenic foodstuffs.

      PS: We kindly ask that you do the same for any and all of our new 
crewmembers, so as to avoid a repeat of the debacle that befell our last 
crew - who, after being enticed into a Jello eating contest by a passenger 
-- all jumped overboard while shouting, "Look, it's Atlantis!"

     7PM: Please Be Quiet Time! This is a newly devised event that should 
be fun for one and all. It only lasts for twenty to forty five minutes, 
tops. During this time, we ask that all passengers refrain from moving and 
or talking (even in whispers). It's really fun, and the quietest passengers 
will win free tickets to our Anaheim Disneyland!

     (NOTE: Look -- just don't move or speak, got it? Because this is the 
time when we'll be passing through non-US waters, and some countries get a 
tad huffy about having foreign contagions wantonly visited upon their 
unsuspecting citizenry.

     In short; we desperately suggest (unless you wish to be boarded, and 
subsequently cavity searched by members of The Mexican Coast Guard) 
shutting your face until such time as we've once again reached the safety 
of US waters.

     9PM: It's time for The Daffy Duck hosted Poolside Upchuck Jamboree! 
Are those little blue clams that you ordered between courses tickling your 
esophagus for escape? Are the leftover canned goods (from Napoleon's 
rearguard) that we recently excavated from in and around the frigid steppes 
of Moscow, begging for the light of day?

     Whatever your food induced emergency, please fell free to come and 
enjoy a good-natured all out purge in our now completely drained (of water) 
     Last one in is (or has recently eaten) a rotten egg!

     10PM: Ignore That Viking Cruise Ship Time! This is a fun little event 
that we recently invented in an effort to keep our passengers from (once 
again) leaping head over heels overboard after catching sight of the Viking 
cruise ship (during our 10PM cross-channel passing) Erik The Red, while all 
the while screaming, "For the love of God, please save us!"

     (NOTE: Please be advised that we now have several very well trained 
snipers in The Crow's Nest -- who -- during said passing (should you so 
much as lay a trembling hand upon our ship's railings), have been given 
standing orders to shoot you quicker than a non-agent represented camp 
scene extra in scene four of Shindler's List.

     11PM: Sleepy (for those still breathing after our 10:30 Snack Time!) 
Time! This is when we begin preparing your first breakfast aboard (along 
with a disposable penicillin thigh-injected-chaser) Magic.

     You'll awaken (if you're lucky enough) to the smell of fresh brewed 
(Jamaican overhead stock, 1812) coffee; complimentary (from a recent 
excavation around Liverpool's Shakespeare Pub) scones, eggs (predominantly 
primordial), bacon (grafted from the cave dropping of France's ancient 
Neanderthals), and freshly squeezed (from an ex cruise ship patron and 
Florida retiree's decomposing bladder) orange juice!

     DAY TWO: You're still here?


Ian Wolff is a freelance humorist living
in Sunnyvale, CA. To read more of his
work, please visit his website One Brick
Short News at: http://www.ianwolff.com

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