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From Brian Behlendorf <br...@organic.com>
Subject amusing spam (fwd)
Date Tue, 01 Oct 1996 19:54:48 GMT

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Mon, 30 Sep 1996 21:40:58 -0700
From: Jim Ausman <ausman@wired.com>
Subject: amusing spam


------- Forwarded Message
Forwarded message:
> From: Entrepreneur Weekly <eweekly@eweekly.com>
> Reply-To: news@eweekly.com
> To: eweekly@diehard.cyberconinc.com
> Subject: How to get listed #1 on all search engines
> 
>     A Special Offer From Entrepreneur Weekly
> 
> 
> Would you like to know the secret to having your site listed #1 on all
> of the major search engines?
> 
> If you said, "YES!", then this is going to be the most exciting article
> you have ever read.
> 
> Because I am going to tell you, step-by-step, how you can literally
> sky-rocket your sales and profits by having thousand of potential
> customers visit your site each week. Every business is virtually a
> numbers game.  Increase the numbers of visitors to your store, and
> you sell more. Plain and simple. It's no different on the Internet
> than it is in your community.
> 
> So how does a business, probably with very limited resources, get
> visitors to their site. The cheapest way, absolutely FREE, is to
> get visitors from search engines! Businesses who got on the
> Internet early, way back in 1994 and early 1995 were swamped
> with visitors because there was very little competition and their
> sites came up high on the search engines.
> 
> Today, with over 16,000 new domain names being registered EACH MONTH
> and even thousands more businesses starting up each month on the
> Internet, it is getting more and more difficult to attract visitors.
> Those early businesses probably aren't even listed in the top 300
> sites anymore. Many are buried deep down at number 10,479 on the list.
> 
> Will people find YOUR site if it is listed even as high as 300 on
> the list?
> 
>   Probably not.
> 
> You CAN'T SURVIVE if you are not listed well on search engines!
> 
> That's why we are so proud to introduce, what is bound to be the most
> revolutionary software product designed to help businesses get noticed.
> This software will help you to improve your listings in EVERY search
> engine that is available now AND those that come out in the future.
> 
> It will allow you to attract visitors to your site that simply
> 
>                       NEVER FOUND YOU BEFORE!
> 
>   How does this amazing software work?
> 
> Simple. When search engines go to your site to index your site in their
> database, our software recognizes them and gives them a DIFFERENT page
> than you want your customers to see! When your customers visit, however,
> it sends them to the most beautiful page that you can create for them.
> No longer are you PENALIZED by search engines for having a graphic logo
> at the top of your page or many other things that they penalize most
> sites for!
> 
> One of the most amazing thing about this program, is that it gives you
> the power to design a different page for EACH SEARCH ENGINE to read,
> thus greatly improving your chances of getting listed on the top of
> every one.
> 
> You see, not all search engines are created equal. Some look for text
> primarily in the title and the first paragraph of your web page. Others
> look at your whole web page and rank your site with a sort of artificial
> intelligence. A web page that could get you listed #1 on lets say Lycos,
> would probably ruin your chance of getting a great listing on Excite or
> Open Text Search Engines. In fact, a page that ranks your site very high
> on one search engine will absolutely RUIN your chance of getting a good
> listing on another.
> 
> This means you make a choice as to which search engines you want a good
> listing in, and have to live with the consequences of not having your
> site listed well in a different search engine.
> 
> This means in simple language, THAT YOU ARE LOSING THOUSANDS OF VISITORS
> A MONTH from Every Search Engine that your site isn't listed high on
> their list!
> 
>   To us, this is SIMPLY UNACCEPTABLE!
> 
> That's why we created the Xtreme Web Site Commander. With 6 applications
> all in one, it can do everything from getting your site listed highest
> on all the major search engines to giving you the most complete and
> easiest to use web statistics available on the Internet today plus much
> more.
> 
> For the first time in Internet history, web developers are able to
> create excellent looking web pages which are not penalized by search
> engines. For anyone who has created a wonderful web site with content
> that truly deserves tons of visitors, who then registered the site on
> search engines and disappointedly found their site listed 2,474, this
> is the reason why!
> 
> Search engines look for 'words' and they have to be in the 'right' place
> on your pages. Most sites open with graphics. They are immediately at a
> disadvantage! Xtreme Web Site Commander solves this major problem by
> sending search engines to a DIFFERENT page than your customers see!
> Therefore, you get the highest possible listings. Using our research on
> how each search engine lists its site, you can setup a separate page for
> each search engine because they all index your pages differently!
> 
> Every search engine has different criteria for ranking web sites. While
> your site may appear on the first page with one of them, it most
> certainly will appear near the bottom on another search engine. For the
> first time in history, you can control what each search engine sees and
> therefore get the highest possible listing on EVERY search engine WHILE
> giving your "human visitors", no matter what browser they use, the page
> you want them to see!
> 
>      These are the 6 benefits of using this software:
> 
>   1) Search Engine Maximizer
> 
> Enhance the listing of your site on every search engine on the net.
> Xtreme Website Commander gives YOU the power to control what every
> search engine sees by building custom pages for each search engine
> and giving your 'human visitors' the pages you intend for them to see.
> 
>   2) Complete and Easy to Understand Web Statistics
> 
> Xtreme Web Site Commander gives you all the stats you need to analyze
> your site and gives you the option to view them the way YOU want to.
> Say goodbye to complicated, unreadable and 50 page long stat reports
> that make your job harder and more time consuming. Xtreme Web Site
> Commander tells you exactly how many visitors came to each of your
> pages, which web browser they used, and where they came to your site
> from!
> 
> This program will even allow you to find out what search terms they
> used to find your site! You can go right to the search engine they
> used with just 1 click of your button, and see for yourself exactly
> what search words they used. Then, go back to your site and see if
> you can incorporate more of those search words into your site and
> improve your listing!
> 
> It is so easy to use this powerful software to improve your search
> listing and drastically increase the visitors to your site. Even if
> you only have 5 or 6 visitors a day or fewer, you can quickly and
> easily increase your web visitors to more than a thousand per day in
> less than one month.
> 
> We are so certain of this, that we are offering a 30 Day Unconditional
> Money Back Guarantee + $100 if our software doesn't substantially
> improve your search listing! So go ahead and see for yourself.
> 
>   3) Maximize the web experience of all of your customers no matter what
>      browser they use
> 
> You can create custom web sites based on which browser your customers
> use. This enables you to create cutting edge sites for the latest
> browsers without the fear of alienating customers who use old browsers.
> 
>   4) Create custom web pages for visitors that come from multiple sites
> 
> This feature gives you the ability to create a custom web page for
> visitors coming from a particular site. Although this feature has
> never before been offered, creative users can use this powerful
> feature to totally enhance their site.
> 
> Would you like to create a different web page for each of your sales
> managers depending on where they are in the country?
> 
> Would you like to have a custom page that only will be viewed by people
> who click on your banner ads?
> 
> Now these are both easily possible with Xtreme Web Site Commander.
> 
> This feature could also have interesting possibilities in the Intranet
> market. For instance, users of your Intranet coming from your Ohio
> office can view a different page than users of your Michigan office.
> 
>   5) Advertising Banner Statistics Program
> 
> Improve the profits on your site by accepting advertising banners. Now
> you can tell your advertisers how many times people clicked on their
> banner ads and went to their site. This allows you to attract bigger
> advertisers and with the increased web traffic you get because of the
> Search Engine Maximizer, you will retain them much longer.
> 
>   6) URL Redirector
> 
> Have you ever had the need to redirect users coming to your site to
> another url because of various changes or if you moved your web site?
> 
> This is made easily possible with the Xtreme Web Site Commander.
> 
> 
>                       S P E C I A L   O F F E R
> 
>                  For a Limited Time, You Can Own the
>         Xtreme Web Site Commander Software for only $199.95!
>                                 
>                                 PLUS
> 
>          FREE Installation on your unix web server  A $30 Value!!
> 
>                                 PLUS
> 
>            FREE Product Updates for 2 Years!  A $350 value!!
> 
> 
>                 A total value of $579.95 for only $199.95
> 
> 
>                 This Offer Expires On October 10, 1996
> 
> 
>      We are so confident in our product that, if you buy our product,
>      follow our instructions and your listing on the search engines
>      does not improve, we will not only refund your money, we will
>      also give you $100!!!
> 
> =====================================================================
> 
>                           Satisfaction Guaranteed
> 
>   We are so confident in our product that we feature a 30 day
>   unconditional money back guarantee. If you are not convinced that our
>   Xtreme Web Site Commander software has dramatically improved the
>   quality of your Internet business and transformed the way you do
>   business on the Internet, simply email or fax us within 30 days of
>   receiving it for a prompt refund, no questions asked.
> 
>                                    PLUS    
> 
>       If our software doesn't dramatically improve your listings
>       in search engines, we not only will refund your money but will
>                           also GIVE YOU $100!!!
> 
>        The only thing you have to lose is lost customers and sales by
>                         NOT purchasing our software.
> 
> ======================================================================
> 
> Software Requirements:
> 
> 1) Telnet access to your unix web server.
> 2) ANSI C compiler - Most unix web hosting servers have this 
> 3) Ability to run CGI programs,
> 
> Following are reccomended for optimum installation:
> 1) Ability to run CGI programs out of any directory with .cgi prefix.
> 2) Ability to have index.cgi act as the default page for a directory
> (instead of index.hml etc)
> 
> REMEMBER: We will install the software for you for FREE if you order before
> October 10, 1996
> 
> ======================================================================
> Questions can be sent to software@cybermedia-inc.com
> 
> ISP's and Web Hosters, please contact us at isp@cybermedia-inc.com
> to find out about our huge ISP multiple license discounts.
> 
> Current Cyber Media web hosting customers. We haven't overlooked you.
> Email us at software@cybermedia-inc.com to find out how you can save
> on using this software!
> ======================================================================
> 
>                             TO ORDER
> 
>         Go to http://www.cybermedia-inc.com/commander/order/
> 
>                  OR MAIL OR FAX THE ORDER FORM BELOW
> 
> Xtreme Web Site Commander $199.95 if ordered before October 10, 1996
> FREE Installation
> FREE Updates for 2 years!
> 
> Name _______________________________________________
> 
> Email Address ______________________________________
> 
> Street Address______________________________________
> 
> City ________________ State _____ Zip Code _________
> 
> Phone (__)____________
> 
> Fax   (__)____________
> 
> Payment Method
> __ Visa
> __ Master Charge
> __ American Express
> __ Discover
> __ Electronic Check (US Customers Only)
> 
> Credit Card Number: ________________________________________
> 
> Expiration  Date  : ________________________________________
> 
> CHECK ORDERS
> 
> Check #         ____________________________________________
> 
> Bank Name       ____________________________________________
> 
> Bank ACH # |:( 9 digits ) |:________________________________
> 
> Checking Account Number     ________________________________
> 
> 
>              =================================================
> 
>              You can order online, mail, fax, or email orders
> 
> 
> Cyber Media Software
> 1933 E. Dublin Granville Rd, Suite 130
> Columbus, OH 43229
> Phone         (614) 794-1560
> Internet Fax: (213) 477-2002  The area code is correct
> email : sales@cybermedia-inc.com
> 

------- End of Forwarded Message




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