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From Rob Hartill <hart...@ooo.lanl.gov>
Subject government subsidies for the homepage-less (fwd)
Date Fri, 05 May 1995 10:57:53 GMT

Men Who Use Computers Are The New Sex Symbols Of The `90s

by Scott Adams
Windows Magazine,  May 1995

I get about 100 e-mail messages a day from readers of my comic strip
"Dilbert." Most are from disgruntled office workers, psychopaths,
stalkers, comic-strip fans -- that sort of person.  But a growing
number are from women who write to say they think Dilbert is sexy.
Some say they've already married a Dilbert and couldn't be happier.

If you're not familiar with Dilbert, he's an electrical engineer who
spends most of his time with his computer.  He's a nice guy but not
exactly Kevin Costner.

Okay, Dilbert is polite, honest, employed and educated.  And he stays
home.  These are good traits, but they don't exactly explain the
incredible sex appeal.  So what's the attraction?

I think it's a Darwinian thing.  We're attracted to the people who have
the best ability to survive and thrive.  In the old days it was
important to be able to run down an antelope and kill it with a single
blow to the forehead.

But that skill is becoming less important every year.

Now all that matters is if you can install your own Ethernet card
without having to call tech support and confess your inadequacies to a
stranger whose best career option is to work in tech support.

It's obvious that the world has three distinct classes of people, each
with its own evolutionary destiny:

Knowledgeable computer users who will evolve into godlike non-corporeal
beings who rule the universe (except for those who work in tech
support).

Computer owners who try to pass as knowledgeable but secretly use hand
calculators to add totals to their Excel spreadsheets.  This group will
gravitate toward jobs as high school principals and operators of pet
crematoriums.  Eventually they will become extinct.

Non-computer users who will grow tails, sit in zoos and fling dung at
tourists.

Obviously, if you're a woman and you're trying to decide which
evolutionary track you want your offspring to take, you don't want to
put them on the luge ride to the dung-flinging Olympics.  You want a
real man.  You want a knowledgeable computer user with evolution
potential.

And women prefer men who listen.  Computer users are excellent
listeners because they can look at you for long periods of time without
saying anything.

Granted, early in a relationship it's better if the guy actually
talks.  But men use up all the stories they'll ever have after six
months. If a woman marries a guy who's in, let's say, retail sales,
she'll get repeat stories starting in the seventh month and lasting
forever.  Marry an engineer and she gets a great listener for the next
70 years.

Plus, with the ozone layer evaporating, it's a good strategy to mate
with somebody who has an indoor hobby.  Outdoorsy men are applying
suntan lotion with SPF 10,000 and yet by the age of 30 they still look
like dried chili peppers in pants.  Compare that with the healthy glow
of a man who spends 12 hours a day in front of a video screen.

It's also well established that computer users are better lovers. I
know because I heard an actual anecdote from someone who knew a woman
who married a computer user and they reportedly had sex many times.  I
realize  this isn't statistically valid, but you have to admit it's the
most persuasive  thing I've written so far.

If you still doubt the sexiness of male PC users, consider their hair.
They tend to have either:  (1) male pattern baldness -- a sign of
elevated testosterone -- or  (2) unkempt jungle hair -- the kind you
see only on people who just finished a frenzied bout of lovemaking.  If
this were a trial I think we could reach a verdict on the strong
circumstantial evidence alone.

I realize there are a lot of skeptics out there.  They'll delight in
pointing out the number of computer users who wear wrist braces and
suggest it isn't the repetitive use of the keyboard that causes the
problem.  That's okay.  Someday those skeptics will be flinging dung at
tourists.  Then who'll be laughing?  (Answer to rhetorical question:
everybody but the tourists.)

Henry Kissinger said power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.  And Bill
Clinton said that knowledge is power.  Therefore, logically, according
to the U.S.  government, knowledge of computers is the ultimate
aphrodisiac.  You could argue with me -- I'm just a cartoonist -- but
it's hard to argue with the government.  Remember, they run the Bureau
of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two
about satisfying women.

You might think this was enough to convince anyone that men who use
computers are sexy.  But look at it from my point of view:  I'm getting
paid by the word for this article.  I'm not done yet.

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a
hot car.

But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars
so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks.

Technology has replaced hot cars as the new symbol of robust manhood.
Men know that unless they get a digital line to the Internet no woman
is going to look at them twice.

It's getting worse.  Soon anyone who's not on the World Wide Web will
qualify for a government subsidy for the home-pageless.  And nobody
likes a man who takes money from the government, except maybe Marilyn
Monroe, which is why the CIA killed her.  And if you think that's
stupid, I've got 100 words to go.

Finally, there's the issue of mood lighting.  Nothing looks sexier than
a man in boxer shorts illuminated only by a 15-inch SVGA monitor.  If
we agree that this is every woman's dream scenario, then I think we can
also agree that it's best if the guy knows how to use the computer.
Otherwise, he'll just look like a loser sitting in front of a PC in his
underwear.

In summary, it's not that I think non-PC users are less attractive.
It's just that I'm sure they won't read this article.


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