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From Nicola Ken Barozzi <nicola...@apache.org>
Subject Re: Huh? (was Re: Merlin's Future with Avalon)
Date Mon, 21 Jul 2003 06:42:29 GMT

Stephen McConnell wrote, On 19/07/2003 0.03:
> Berin:
> I seems that you want turn anything I say into a personal attack. 

Not only with Berin, Stephen.

> I'm not attacking you.  

It does not show. What I think is that your rational intention is not to 
attack anyone, but emotionally you feel Merlin attacked, and you reply 
in tone, even if it's not what you want to convey.

Mail, as well as conversations, is *not* aseptic. Emotions percolate 
through, if you want it or not.

> Let me detail this for you.

See, you are trying to demonstrate by words and rational arguments that 
you are right... which is not the thing to do. Think about the 
"emotional" part: you felt attacked, it showed in your mails, Berin felt 
it and feels attacked. Now the problem is *not* who is right, but how to 
make the other *feel* better and not attacked.

Rational arguments don't work for this, they only make things harder. A 
simple "sorry if you felt like this, I did not mean to, what can we do 
to fix the issue" is much more effective.

Remember that others feel how they feel, not how you would like them to 

> Finally - I would appreciate it if you could drop the "steve's being 
> defensive" thing. This is not being defense - it is correcting a mistake 
> you have - presumably arising from inaccurate or incomplete assumptions 
> you have about the Merlin platform.  If you wish to avoid similar 
> patterns in the future - you may want to try to avoid the use of 
> negative generalizations.

Read this sentence, then reread it, then reread it. Then again take a 
walk, come back, and read it one last time.

You will hopefully understand that your mails *do* show you as 
defensive, and this is seen by most of your peers IIUC. And if a peer 
has to be careful of how he talks to you, there is a problem.

We have faith in you. You are here and we are working so that Merlin can 
drive the new Avalon container. Facts are positive. Then please stop 
hanging on a single word because it's useless and friction making.

Don't do the same errors that you have seen others do and that you have 
learned to dislike. Please.

Nicola Ken Barozzi                   nicolaken@apache.org
             - verba volant, scripta manent -
    (discussions get forgotten, just code remains)

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